December 18, 2017

Question: Should I try to get my girlfriend back?

Dear Betty, 

My girlfriend Nelly broke up with me last week. She said it was because she knew that our relationship had an expiration date—we are both going to be going off to grad school in the next 18 months and had already talked about how we probably wouldn’t do long distance. I was still stunned because we really love each other and had such a good time together. She suffers from anxiety and I think that may be related. Should I try to help her see that it would not be a bad thing to just stay together for a little while longer, or should I let it go and just try to process the best I can. I really miss her.

Maggie

betty-answers-235x108Dear Maggie,

I’m sorry for your loss. Breaking up can be brutally difficult. Even though you knew the relationship had an expiration date, someone who once filled your life and heart is now gone.

I’m wondering if the unexpected timing of the breakup that stunned you brought up the words that were left unspoken. Your desire to stay together for a little while longer may be fueled by the chance to get that closure. Only you know the answer.

One way to discover what is in your best interest, and what is important to understand about the relationship, is to write a letter to Nelly airing everything that you are feeling. Acknowledge your feelings; put a label on them. This will allow you to process them and let them pass rather than getting stuck in them. If we resist our feeling they will persist.

Let the letter rest overnight and re-read it the next day. DO NOT SEND IT! This is about you and for your eyes only. You will discover a treasure trove of hidden things about what you are feeling and the relationship. There in your own words will be the answers that you seek.

Take time to process what you are feeling. Stay in close contact with supportive family and friends, meditate, forgive yourself and her, do things that make you happy and focus on loving you.

To further this conversation click the link below to get your complimentary “Dating Successfully” Coaching session.

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